This just in ...

MANIFESTO

In another triumph for science, we find that

Coffee ... once deemed harmful to health, is turning out to be, if not quite a health food, at least a low-risk drink, and in many ways a beneficial one. It could protect against diabetes, liver cancer, cirrhosis and Parkinson's disease.

To be sure, the findings don't seem to let those of us who ingest daily around three quarts of Diet Mountain Dew off the hook, but coffee is now described as "a good beverage choice."

We all knew this would happen, didn't we? We've seen one decade's poison become another decade's panacea too many times to be surprised by this. After all, if 80s fashions can be hip once again, anything can make a comeback.