Typed on my Hemp Keyboard

UNIVERSAL REMOTE

For those of you who foolishly went to bed on Tuesday night rather than wait for Election Results while watching the live Daily Show / Colbert Report, here is the transcript of Colbert's rant as he sullenly called the House for the Democrats / Cowards:

So I guess I am going to have to call this thing for the Democrats. (sarcastic) Woo-hoo! The people have spoken…and apparently they are tired of freedom. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. I thought this country would last longer than 230 years.

That's it folks, America is over. At this point, we might as well just give it back to the g***amn Indians. We'll see how they deal with foreign enemies bent on their destruction.

Here is your cake terrorists, there you go, enjoy! (shows cake that says 'Congratulations Terrorists' with Osama holding a bomb). Mmmmmm. Tastes like surrender.

Jimmy you might as well get those subtitles going (Arabic appears on screen). There you go, get used to these. And you know what, we should probably throw a burka over Meg while we're at it.

You know what gets me? You know what gets me? Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the President. 'Hey, the ship's in trouble, let's drown the captain!' We were this close to having Jesus come back, and you Republicans who turned your back on the President are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally. Someone is going to have to replace those troops in Iraq.

And don't think you're off the hook, voters, you are the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it.

Tomorrow you are going to wake up in a brave new world. A world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones created in a stem cell research lab, run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax and spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh….and everybody's high! Woooo!

You know what, Ive had it! You people don't deserve a Republican majority. Screw this, I quit!

Possibly the funniest 4 minutes in television I've seen in years, but maybe it was enhanced by the giddiness I was feeling over the election results.

Oh, and don't worry. Mr. Colbert immediately cheered up when he realized that he could start blaming the Democrats for how the Iraq war is going.