6-3*? You've Got to Be Kidding!

SPORTING GOODS

Question: Is there a better sports website than Fire Joe Morgan? The answer is no. Is there a better website period better than Fire Joe Morgan? The answer is not many.

For those not in the know, it is a site dedicated to skewering bad sports journalism (which many of us know is in great abundance today.) FJM is a bunch of terrifically funny guys who love Bill James and his "statistics" and hate guys like Joe Morgan who rely on their "guts." I imagine when they read Michael Lewis' Moneyball, they wept. (Kind of like Cruise with Dianetics but with more baseball and less aliens.)

Here is perfect example of what they do. A week or two ago, some researchers at the University of Pennsylvania concluded that Derek Jeter is the worst fielding shortstop in the majors. Now, Chill and I have discussed ad naseum how overrated Jeter is. His patented backhand, jump, spin and throw to first would be just a regular ground ball to someone like Reyes or even A-Rod, the Yankees' third baseman. Just a plain-old 6-3 in your scorebook. But Jeter makes like a someone from Cirque de Soleil, demanding you to put a stupid asterisk in there to signify a great play. "No it's not!" we cry. "He just has to do it because he can't get in front of it!"

But Jeter does it all the times and everyone goes nuts. Especially Michael Kay, the Joseph Goebbels of the Yankee Information Network. So we dislike Jeter for this. (That and his four World Series rings, his good looks, his hot girlfriends, and his money.)

But John Mazor at the New York Post disagrees. Jeter the worst? "You've Got to Be Kidding!" he decries. Here's where my boys at FJM have at it. (Their rejoinders are in italics.)

How's this for junk science - even with three Gold Gloves, Yankees captain Derek Jeter has been labeled the worst fielding shortstop in baseball.

I'm so happy the New York Post is out there doing its thing -- being angrily, outrageously, passionately wrong about everything. Rare is the institution you can rely on day in and day out, but you can set your watch by the Post. Whatever time the Post says, you're guaranteed to know: it's wrong.

Gold Gloves are a m.-fucking joke. Although I've learned nothing yet about this junky "science" study and of course I will learn nothing further by reading the rest of the article (thank you, Post!), I already trust it infinitely more than Gold Gloves, because Gold Gloves are liars. They are no-good cheating liars, and I would not let my fictional daughter marry a Gold Glove.

But the numbers prove it, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania said yesterday at a meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, in (of course) Boston.

Yes, these researchers from the University of Pennsylvania meticulously altered their data, fudged everything they'd worked on for months, slandered Jeter and praised A-Rod, all because they had a meeting once in Boston. Never trust a scientist! All scientists are Sox fans! Post!

Post BREAKING NEWS: SCIENCE PLAYS FOR BOSTON!

Using a complex statistical method,

for nerds with calculators and pocket protectors and Daily News subscriptions,

researchers concluded that Alex Rodriguez was one of the best shortstops in the game when he played for the Texas Rangers.

This is an interesting finding. I wish I knew more about how the study worked. Just kidding: give me what Mike Birch has to say on the matter. Mike Birch works at Lids, the hat store.

"I don't know what they're smoking down at Penn," said Yankees fan Mike Birch, 32.

Take that, complex statistical study. Birch is insightful and funny. One time he sold me a sweet lid with the Under Armor logo on it. "I don't know what they're smoking"! Classic. Classic Birch.

"That's preposterous. I completely disagree. Jeter's a clutch player."

In one corner: "The method involved looking at every ball put in play in major league baseball from 2002 through 2005 and recorded where the shots went. Researchers then developed a probability model for the average fielder in each position and compared that with the performance of individual players to see who was better or worse than average."

In the other corner: Mike Birch. Watches three innings a week, occasionally while sober. Listens to Mike and the Mad Dog "except when they talk too smart and shit." Watches "Rome Is Burning" with the sound off. I.Q. of 175. Graduated from Cambridge University. Fields Medal winner.

I know who I'm taking.

"It's ridiculous," said fan Jay Ricker, 22. "Jeter is all-around awesome."

"I agree," said Science, 424. "Fuck me, that is a good argument. I might as well not exist. That's it. I'm taking 500 Darvocets. Humans, welcome your new overlord, Jay Ricker, 22. He is all-around awesome."

"Science plays for Boston." I love it. It goes on even longer and I recommend you follow the whole thread. When FJM stick it in, they really break it off.

My only gripe is they don't post as often as I would like. But I forgive them since my favorite contributor, Ken Tremendous, is an Emmy-winning writer for The Office. And he plays Mose, Dwights slightly touch cousin. Ken can really bring it. I mean, he just goes and goes and goes. And I'm always left satisfied.

That's what she said!

Stupid is as Stupid Does

SPORTING GOODS

My boss is what I call a tolerable Yankees fan. I say tolerable because he isn't a blowhard (Red Sox Suck!), doesn't cling to past achievements in order to brush aside current failings (26 Rings, Baby!), and doesn't deify #2 ("Jeter's Clutch!").

So he is one of the few Yankee fans I actually enjoy talking baseball with. And he is hilariously dubious about the rise of Hank Steinbrenner in the wake of George's apparent retirement. What worries my boss most about Hank is he is clearly not a very bright man and is deathly afraid of people finding out. Check out these quotes (lifted Goeglein-like from New York Magazine's Daily Intelligencer):

• On new manager Joe Girardi's last firing. When asked if the club looked into it, he said: "I don't want to get too much into that, but we're not stupid." [10/22]
• On Brian Cashman's recommendations: ''The baseball people we have are the smartest guys in the game,'' he said. ''I'm not stupid. It's not like I'm not going to pay attention to what they say.'' [10/29]
• On A-Rod's contract: "I really believe that in his heart, [A-Rod] wants to be a Yankee, and we’re going to let him know he’s wanted. But we’re not going to be stupid.” [10/27]
• On prospects: "We want to win the World Series every year," Hank Steinbrenner said. "We're not stupid enough to think we can do it." [10/25]

Any one else here think Hank doth protest too much? Anyone that clings to the mantle of non-stupidity as much at him can be but nothing else.

Now, being a Mets fan, I don't go out of my way to read too much of the day-to-day crap coming out of the Bronx. But this year it was impossible to ignore it: Torre's uncertain status; A-Rod contract mess; battling the Red Sox to get Santana, then losing him to that other team; Girardi's hiring; the Clemens/Pettite P.E.D. scandal. The list is incredible. And there in the middle of it all is Hank, giving the press a blow-by-blow on each and every subject, practically in real time. I can only imagine GM Brian Cashman's trepidation to read the morning paper every day. When he isn't being chastened by his new boss, he's being cut off at the knees. John Henry and Theo Epstein up in Boston must be laughing their asses off. It's like Lee vs. McClellan. Sure the enemy has more money and more resources. But they're being run by a freaking idiot!

Then I read today's epic story, Oedipus Bronx, about Hank (and his Howard Hugues-like brother Hal) in The New York Times. Written by Jonathan Mahler (of Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bronx is Burning fame), it is, on the surface, something of a puff piece about the two brothers and their new working relationship. Bu to me it is a stomach-curdling account of easy nepotism and wanton incompetence within the organization that should give any Yankees fan trepidation. And it is a searing indictment of Hank, the son George never spoke to, the son that didn't last more than a couple of years working for the old man before running back to the family horse business, the son that was originally going to be passed over by not one but two of George's son-in laws. It also makes clear that if the George weren't such a chauvinist, his daughters would have been ahead of Hank in the pecking order too.

There are too many laugh lines to recount here so I'll skip right to the end zinger that is already making headlines:

Hank betrays no worry about...the Red Sox, who have not only won the World Series twice in the last four years but are arguably becoming a national phenomenon. “Red Sox Nation?” Hank says. “What a bunch of [expletive] that is. That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans. Go anywhere in America and you won’t see Red Sox hats and jackets, you’ll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. We’re going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.”

I love this. I mean it, I love it. Red Sox Nation™ has nothing to do with the Red Sox' historic comeback from being down 3-0 to the Yanks in the ALDS, them winning their first title in 86 years, the Idiots, the bloody sock. And then them winning again two years later. This has nothing to do with the Red Sox capturing the imagination of the country. It's all just a sham rigged up by those Nutmeg staters over at ESPN. I guess the complete lack of evidence is proof that the conspiracy is working. And I hate to break it to him, but I live in New York City and I see Red Sox hats all the time.

To wit, Sox owner John Henry has inducted Steinbrenner, kicking and screaming I would imagine, into Red Sox Nation.™ "Just to ensure he knows how cool Red Sox Nation™ is, [Saturday] we officially inducted him as a member of Red Sox Nation™ and we are sending him his membership card giving him access to an array of options including our newsletter, bumper stickers, pins, Green Monster seats and a hat personally autographed by David Ortiz."

I literally can't wait to hear what Hank is going to say about this. I doubt I'll have to wait long.