6-3*? You've Got to Be Kidding!

SPORTING GOODS

Question: Is there a better sports website than Fire Joe Morgan? The answer is no. Is there a better website period better than Fire Joe Morgan? The answer is not many.

For those not in the know, it is a site dedicated to skewering bad sports journalism (which many of us know is in great abundance today.) FJM is a bunch of terrifically funny guys who love Bill James and his "statistics" and hate guys like Joe Morgan who rely on their "guts." I imagine when they read Michael Lewis' Moneyball, they wept. (Kind of like Cruise with Dianetics but with more baseball and less aliens.)

Here is perfect example of what they do. A week or two ago, some researchers at the University of Pennsylvania concluded that Derek Jeter is the worst fielding shortstop in the majors. Now, Chill and I have discussed ad naseum how overrated Jeter is. His patented backhand, jump, spin and throw to first would be just a regular ground ball to someone like Reyes or even A-Rod, the Yankees' third baseman. Just a plain-old 6-3 in your scorebook. But Jeter makes like a someone from Cirque de Soleil, demanding you to put a stupid asterisk in there to signify a great play. "No it's not!" we cry. "He just has to do it because he can't get in front of it!"

But Jeter does it all the times and everyone goes nuts. Especially Michael Kay, the Joseph Goebbels of the Yankee Information Network. So we dislike Jeter for this. (That and his four World Series rings, his good looks, his hot girlfriends, and his money.)

But John Mazor at the New York Post disagrees. Jeter the worst? "You've Got to Be Kidding!" he decries. Here's where my boys at FJM have at it. (Their rejoinders are in italics.)

How's this for junk science - even with three Gold Gloves, Yankees captain Derek Jeter has been labeled the worst fielding shortstop in baseball.

I'm so happy the New York Post is out there doing its thing -- being angrily, outrageously, passionately wrong about everything. Rare is the institution you can rely on day in and day out, but you can set your watch by the Post. Whatever time the Post says, you're guaranteed to know: it's wrong.

Gold Gloves are a m.-fucking joke. Although I've learned nothing yet about this junky "science" study and of course I will learn nothing further by reading the rest of the article (thank you, Post!), I already trust it infinitely more than Gold Gloves, because Gold Gloves are liars. They are no-good cheating liars, and I would not let my fictional daughter marry a Gold Glove.

But the numbers prove it, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania said yesterday at a meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, in (of course) Boston.

Yes, these researchers from the University of Pennsylvania meticulously altered their data, fudged everything they'd worked on for months, slandered Jeter and praised A-Rod, all because they had a meeting once in Boston. Never trust a scientist! All scientists are Sox fans! Post!

Post BREAKING NEWS: SCIENCE PLAYS FOR BOSTON!

Using a complex statistical method,

for nerds with calculators and pocket protectors and Daily News subscriptions,

researchers concluded that Alex Rodriguez was one of the best shortstops in the game when he played for the Texas Rangers.

This is an interesting finding. I wish I knew more about how the study worked. Just kidding: give me what Mike Birch has to say on the matter. Mike Birch works at Lids, the hat store.

"I don't know what they're smoking down at Penn," said Yankees fan Mike Birch, 32.

Take that, complex statistical study. Birch is insightful and funny. One time he sold me a sweet lid with the Under Armor logo on it. "I don't know what they're smoking"! Classic. Classic Birch.

"That's preposterous. I completely disagree. Jeter's a clutch player."

In one corner: "The method involved looking at every ball put in play in major league baseball from 2002 through 2005 and recorded where the shots went. Researchers then developed a probability model for the average fielder in each position and compared that with the performance of individual players to see who was better or worse than average."

In the other corner: Mike Birch. Watches three innings a week, occasionally while sober. Listens to Mike and the Mad Dog "except when they talk too smart and shit." Watches "Rome Is Burning" with the sound off. I.Q. of 175. Graduated from Cambridge University. Fields Medal winner.

I know who I'm taking.

"It's ridiculous," said fan Jay Ricker, 22. "Jeter is all-around awesome."

"I agree," said Science, 424. "Fuck me, that is a good argument. I might as well not exist. That's it. I'm taking 500 Darvocets. Humans, welcome your new overlord, Jay Ricker, 22. He is all-around awesome."

"Science plays for Boston." I love it. It goes on even longer and I recommend you follow the whole thread. When FJM stick it in, they really break it off.

My only gripe is they don't post as often as I would like. But I forgive them since my favorite contributor, Ken Tremendous, is an Emmy-winning writer for The Office. And he plays Mose, Dwights slightly touch cousin. Ken can really bring it. I mean, he just goes and goes and goes. And I'm always left satisfied.

That's what she said!